It’s simply not cricket

Something unusual is happening in English sport. Our team is number one in the world. Eight of the top 15 players in the world are English. The game is riding a wave of positive support and there’s the unusual feeling that affairs are in order from the national governing body down to grass roots level. But that’s enough about cricket. Another fractious and unedifying football season awaits…

Look – I love our national sport but to be honest I can’t summon up much enthusiasm for it with the Premier League kick-off just two days away. I’m sure that’s going to change at 3pm on Saturday, though with England heading for a third straight test victory against mighty India maybe I’ll be tuned into that instead. Hang on, this was meant to be a blog about football, full of enthusiasm and expectation … let’s try again…

The modern game is as much a soap opera as Coronation Street if that’s your thing. There are, despite the lobotomisation of modern professionals, still characters in the game willing to speak their minds or just be plain entertaining. Meanwhile on the pitch, amidst the oft dull and the desperate fare are moments of magic if you are brave enough to hang around until the final whistle. Then there’s the rich football fan subculture with it’s own community and humour. There’s a chance that 22 men kicking a ball around may yet cleanse our souls of the latest toxic FIFA corruption shenanigans. We need some positive news stories on the pitch – football owes us.

Every year I make a few predictions on the season ahead. Last years predictions – well, the less said the better. I might as well have pulled names out of a hat for all of the hopelessly inaccurate predictions I made. Let’s pretend that didn’t happen and take a punt on the season ahead…

Premiership

There has been a lot of money flying around this year with three weeks of the transfer window to go. Money alone can’t buy success and that’s why I expect Alex Ferguson to steer Manchester United to yet another title. City and Chelsea have to somehow keep their overpaid and overpopulated squads happy now that they are limited to 25 players under FA rules. Liverpool, revitalised under King Kenny, will be an interesting proposition following a huge spending binge and eyes will also be on Arsene Wenger as the perennial also-rans of Arsenal face life without Fabregas. Once again there may be more drama at the other end of the table with the likes of newly promoted Norwich and Swansea setting out to finish 4th from bottom.

Champions

• Manchester United – Some senior pro’s have retired but assuming they land Wesley Sneijder I think the mix will be right for them to finish top again.

Relegated

• Norwich – I know it’s an easy call but so far they haven’t recruited nearly enough quality players to compete at this level over a season
• Swansea – same as Norwich, simply not good strong enough as things stand
• Wigan – only just survived last season since which their squad has weakened. Pretty football alone does not translate to points

Dark horse

• Stoke – Like Skoda they initially became efficient and have since had the nerve to add some quality. Top eight?

Championship

The days when you assumed clubs relegated from the Premiership would bounce straight back have gone. Relegated clubs tend to bring financial woes with them or underestimate how hard it is to escape from this division. The finances have started to bite many clubs and some that gambled on a failed promotion bid last season will struggle this time around as the purse strings are tightened. Leicester are bucking the trend as manager Sven throws millions at players in a bid to secure a top 2 finish.

As a Derby fan I have to believe we will finish a lot higher than last seasons dismal showing. The squad looks stronger this season and there are certainly more leaders on the pitch but at the time of writing we need a midfield general, tall old-school striker and a left back not called Kilbane if we are to challenge for the play-offs. I’m hoping for top half.

Promoted

• West Ham – Premiership quality
• Leicester – Money doesn’t buy you promotion. OK, maybe it does then.
• Cardiff – Not that far off last season and they have improved the squad since then

Relegated

• Coventry – Struggling on and off the pitch.
• Peterborough – They punched above their weight last season. They will need to do it again.
• Barnsley – A lack of quality may tell.

Dark horse

• Brighton – on a roll with their new stadium, last seasons promotion and some quality signings.

League 1

This division is a melting pot and a lot of teams will fancy their chances this season. The two Sheffields find themselves in the same division and some attendance records will likely be set when those two meet. Did you know that Nolberto Solano is plying his trade at Hartlepool? There’s a lot to capture the imagination in this division…

Promoted

• Charlton – Unlucky not to make it last season they should have a little more know-how this season
• Preston – A strong squad with a spine of experience, they have a fighting chance
• Huddersfield – Nearly did it last year and still a good bet this year

Relegated

• Rochdale – Only a hunch but their second season back at this level could be tougher than the first
• Stevenage – Where are the goals coming from?
• Tranmere – The startling move of striker Dale Jennings to Bayern Munich may prove to be a body blow
• Yeovil – They begin with a “Y” so in the event that every game this season is a draw they are doomed

Dark horse

• Notts County – Last season was about survival but manager “Mad Dog” Martin Allen has brought a new way of thinking to the club that may take them on a run.

League 2

It would be nice if all the talk this season was of football and not finances. One thing’s for sure there will be plenty of neutrals looking out for AFC Wimbledon – a club reborn by purist fans after the MK Dons debacle. Also under the spotlight will be Crawley who spent astronomical money by non-league standards to leap into the football league.

Promoted

• Bristol Rovers – A big club with a plethora of new signings often fails to produce results but I’m backing them anyway
• Crewe – You can’t keep Dario Gradi down
• Oxford – They have a strong defence for this division and I’m backing them to be there or thereabouts
• Shrewsbury – They play a lot of good football. If they can show some steel they will be well placed for promotion.

Relegated

• Hereford – I saw them last season and was amazed they survived
• Barnet – struggled last season and have lost players since. It doesn’t look good for them.

Dark horse

• AFC Wimbledon – they really aren’t ready for league 1. Not a chance. But wouldn’t it be fun! Football remains the preserve of dreamers…

 

Football’s back. Did it ever go away?

Footballers. They’re over paid, over rated and over exposed. Even the most die hard fan would probably have more criticism than praise for the modern professional. That said, there is one sacrifice they do make. They don’t get much time away from the game. Best case scenario they finish mid April and return for training early July but some seasons they will lose much of this time negotiating transfers, moving house, etc.

If a clubs is involved in the play-offs that’s another couple of weeks tied to the game. Meanwhile the better players will be turning out for their countries at major competitions like the World Cup every other year leaving them perhaps 2 or 3 weeks before starting over for the next season. There – that’s as much sympathy as they are going to get from me.

And so another season rolls on and it promises (as ever) to be nothing if not entertaining. Here is my potted preview to the forthcoming season…

Premiership
We could be in for a real humdinger of a season with more teams than ever battling for top spot. Chelsea and Man Utd will go toe to toe but the Man City megabucks may finally start to tell. Liverpool under Hodgson will surely improve on last seasons fare while Arsenal are always in with a shout and Spurs – well – let’s not tempt fate. Blackpool will set the Premiership alight, at least off the pitch with Ian Holloway in front of the cameras. Eyes will also be on Mark Hughes at Fulham and Sol Campbell at newly promoted Newcastle. All will become clear.

CHAMPIONS
Chelsea – They were clinical last season where other contenders slipped up. I think this season may be similar.

RELEGATED
Blackpool – The gulf is toooo big. We would all love Holloway’s men to stay up, but really?
Wigan – Can’t keep punching above their weight. This may be the season gravity kicks in.
West Brom – We know they play attractive football but where is the steel they need at this level?

DARK HORSE
Birmingham – I’m not suggesting they will finish in the top four but they could sneak into a European Cup position

Championship
If ever there was an odds-on favourite it has to be Middlesborough with their stellar squad and big money signings. The relegated clubs would normally be expected to challenge for promotion but Hull and Portsmouth have huge financial problems with Portsmouth potentially starting the season with a mere 15 professional players. Locally I see Leicester pushing for a playoff place along with Forest (hiss!) who will probably make plenty of news off the pitch as manager Billy Davies inevitably falls out with his board.

My team Derby finished mid table after an at times precarious flight last season but I believe the club are progressing slowly but surely. Coach Johnny Metgod went to the World Cup with the Dutch as a scout and returned with dreams of a 4-2-3-1 formation. The Rams have adopted this pre-season to good affect and with last seasons massive injury list on the wain I predict a 10th place finish.

PROMOTED
Middlesborough – Cash thrown at an already good side
Burnley – Enough premiership quality to return first time around
Cardiff – Boo! But they have hung onto Micheal Chopra and may continue last seasons ascent

RELEGATED
Scunthorpe – Survived last season due to Hoopers goals but now he has left them.
Watford – They seem to have reacted to last seasons mediocrity by selling lots of players and getting none in.
Hull – OK, this is a punt. I think they may end up going into administration and get docked points. Bear in mind I thought runaway champions Newcastle might slip down last season…

DARK HORSE
QPR – They have spent stacks of money over a number of seasons but ruined it all by changing managers every 10 minutes. They may feature this time purely on the basis of having had some stability for a longer period.

League 1
There will be a few “big” teams shooting it out in League 1 but there is no guarantee of promotion as dirty Leeds know. That said I do expect the likes of Southampton, Charlton and Sheffield Wednesday to challenge for the top. Division new boys Notts County will be happy with a mid table position but I think they could be sniffing around the play-off positions with a modicum of luck

PROMOTED
Southampton – I expect them to continue last seasons progress
Charlton – There has been some turnaround in the squad but they still look good in this division
Sheffield Wednesday – Should bounce back to the Championship with the quality of signings they have brought in.

RELEGATED
Dagenham & Redbridge – Promoted last season they may not have the experience to avoid getting sucked into a relegation battle
Tranmere – They just survived last season and not enough has happened since then to turn things around
Colchester – Finished 8th last season but have lost too many good players.

DARK HORSE
Huddersfield – Have recruited plenty of good players close season but can they gel quickly enough?

League 2
With Notts promoted last season Bradford are the team many would look to for automatic promotion but they underachieved last season and I wonder whether they will handle this seasons expectations. Sides newly promoted to the league tend to do very well which will provide encouragement for Oxford and Stevenage. There is a financial story every season and this year it is Southend fighting off HMRC. Administration and a points deduction could open the trap door to non-league football.

PROMOTED
Chesterfield – This good squad may be inspired by their new stadium to a promotion season
Rotherham – With last seasons points penalty behind them they should be there or thereabouts
Gillingham – Some good players at this level and a popular choice for a top place

RELEGATED
Macclesfield – Cash strapped and unable to improve last seasons relegation threatened squad
Southend – Likely to struggle without a possible points penalty should they go into administration

DARK HORSE
Burton Albion – Looked good in their first season and have improved their squad over the summer.

World Cup – Sunday 11th July

…It Is Now!

This win for glorious homeland Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea will show the imperialist west that we are superior in every way. The lads will be welcomed home as heroes for an open-top tank parade. All hail me!

No – hang on. That’s not what happened…

Result – Sunday 11th July

	Final		Spain	1 – 0	Holland

View From The Hotel Room

Tonight we are going to do things a little differently. I watched the final in a hotel room so my normal colleagues are not around and it’s just me. Here are the match highlights as I saw them…

1 min: Referee Howard Web has polished his head in an attempt to look like Pierluigi Collina.

9 mins: Nothing happenend.

17 mins: Ohh – ahh – no, almost! Throw in.

24 mins: It’s good to see some proper fouling. In too many games up to now we have seen yellow cards given for soft fouls but Van Bommel’s deliciously crude tackle from behind that took out his man plus the mans dog was a joy to behold and much better value for yellow.

28 mins: Just when we thought that was good along comes De Jong and applies his studs to Alonso’s chest a’la Gazza. Again – excellent value for a yellow.

30 mins: BBC commentator Cliche Watch: “There will be a new name on the trophy whoever wins“. REALLY?!

42 mins: Sneijder shows consumate skill to jams his studs into a Spanish midfielder without getting booked. Now that’s how you do it.

44 mins: Cliche watch: “Van Persie has fed on scraps in the first half“. Perhaps if he would stop eating and concentrate on the game he might have been more effective.

HALF TIME Alan Hansen bemoans the fact that the game has been tight with lots of fouls and little flair on show. Yes Alan – it’s the World Cup final. This coming from a dour central defender whose playing career (and subsequent punditry career) was hallmarked by dull thuggery.

56 mins: Johnny Heitinga receives Hollands 5th yellow card – not for shooting as the felled Spaniard would claim – but for a something-and-nothing challenge. Not in Van Bommels class.

62 mins: Arjen Robben through on goal finds his shot saved prompting the commentator to spout yet more predictable cliches

66 mins: Capdevilla clips the heels of advancing Van Persie to get his name into the book. Snidey and not nearly dangerous enough.

69 mins: David Villa picks up a loose ball 2 yards out and with the goal at his mercy manages to win a corner.

73 mins: Cliche watch: After a promising Spanish move is brought to a halt by a foul – “If Spain score from this it will be poetic justice“.

76 mins: Sergio Ramos fancies an extra 30 minutes judging by his open goal miss from a corner.

79 mins: Quote of the match – Spanish winger Jesus punts the ball over everyone’s head and out of play. Commentator: “That’s not his greatest cross“. True, but a little insensitive on a Sunday!

82 mins: Robben is through again and with just the goalkeeper to beat manages to emerge with a booking.

84 mins: Cliche watch: “We are at the stage where one goals means you’re world champions“. Erm, no actually.

FULL TIME and Gary Lineker is clearly distracted – “If it goes to penalties it’s going to be a knee trembler“. I’m not sure if he’s talking about his own circumstances or whether FIFA have introduced a new way to settle tied matches.

92 mins: Three Spanish forwards dive simultaneously in the box. It’s beautifully choreographed.

94 mins: Fabregas wants penalties and so decides to miss when clean through.

95 mins: Mathaison also fancies pens so heads over from a corner when well set.

102 mins: Cliche watch: “We are still no nearer to finding out which of these two nations will be crowned world champions”

EXTRA TIME – HALF TIME Commentator to Clarence Seedorf – “How can Holland win this game now?“. Go on Clarence – just say it, please!

106 mins: Cliche watch: Torres comes on – “It’s the story often told – a substitute comes on and wins the match“. Name one of these stories…

109 mins: Heitinga sent off for second yellow card. Nothing too malicious unfortunately.

110 mins: Van Der Weil booked for allowing Iniesta to blatantly dive.

114 mins: Cliche watch: “You have to score to win a world cup”

116 mins: INIESTA SCORES! Two more bookings.

117 mins: Cliche watch: “Holland are losing”

120 mins: Xavi booked for kicking the ball away.

121 mins: Torres makes his only contribution to the world cup by pulling his hamstring.

122 mins: The ref blows – it’s all over! Dutch players crowd around the referee to dispute something or other in an attempt to get some late-late bookings but it’s to no avail. Just the 14 yellow cards this game.

EXTRA TIME – FULL TIME It’s cliche heaven. Here we go… Commentator: “Spain have won the world cup 1-0“. Really? Thanks for that – none of us had been watching. Alan Hansen: “The goal was scored by Iniesta – the best player of the tournament“, which seems odd since Hansen hadn’t mentioned this up until this point. Gary Lineker: “A victory for football I think“. Bingo! Alan Shearer: “Iniesta has got magnets in both feet“. If only the ball were metal… Perry Groves: “There was only one team that wanted to win right from the start” Commentator: As Spain alight the stairs – “Iker Cassilas was bred for this moment” Commentator: As the trophy is lifted – “Spain are the kings of world football” Perry Groves: “Spain play football like we all want to play it in our heads”

Loose Ends

Let’s wrap a few things up before I call time on my world cup blog. The blog banner graphic includes the following footballing folk, in case you hadn’t already worked it all out.

From left to right…

• Ray “the crab” Wilkins
• Hoddle and Waddle in their Diamond Lights phase
• Glen Johnson in his Stealing Toilet Seats phase
• “Big Ron” Atkinson
• Jimmy Hill. No seriously!
• Statto, aka Angus Loughran, who was declared bankrupt in 2008.
• Saint & Greavsie
• John “Motty” Motson
• Carlton Palmer – former England international in all but ability.
• John Barnes – famous for his rap song and shiny suits. And failed management career. And crap punditry. He used to be a decent footballer mind.
• Stan “The Man” Collymore & Ford Cortina. Unfortunately his dogging notoriety is far from the most shameful incident in his career.
• Paul “Daft as a brush Gazza” Gascoigne. Just when you thought his life couldn’t get more screwed up he arrives in Rothbury to provide his good friend the deranged murderer Raoul Moat with his last supper. Pity his agent who he shares with Roger Mellie.

Thanks to all of my guests. BTW: Who’s going to pay for the massive biscuit and cake bill? And this poodle is going for a walk “down by the canal” tomorrow.
No thanks to the jobsworth “celebrity” agent who tried to close down my blog on the grounds that it somehow posed a threat to his D-list client.

Apologies to my non-footballing readers for the last months output – normal travel/baking service will be resumed forthwith.

As my grandfather would have said – “That’s yer lot“

World Cup – Saturday 10th July

All Of Nothing

By my calculations there were 736 players at this years World Cup finals. Statistically that means 61 one of them will be a year older at the end of the tournament than the beginning. I suspect many more than this will feel that the World Cup has been going on for a year. Can we just have the final please?

Results – Saturday 10th July

	Third Place		Germany	3 – 2	Uruguay

Post Match Review
	Everyone had been looking forward to this clash but I thought tonight I would let the fans do the talking. We have staunch German fan Fritz and Uruguayan supporter Carlos here to talk us through this exciting third place play-off match. The match was end-to-end with countless chances for both teams. Carlos, your team went a goal down but then fought back to take the lead. Did you think Uruguay were going to win at that point?
	I don’t know. I didn’t watch the game. I took the dog for a walk and when I got home I watched Uruguay’s Got Talent instead of the second half. Who won then?
	Urm, well Germany did. They showed real heart to come back after losing the lead to win. Fritz you must be very pleased with your teams performance.
	Ja, my neighbour told me we played very well. I was washing the car but he kept telling me the score.
	Well you both missed a great match. Forlan almost equalised at the end – it could all have been so different. It’s a shame you missed it. So Carlos, who won Uruguay’s got talent then? Please tell me it wasn’t that singing Llama. That’s a complete load of rubbish but the audience seemed to love it last week.

Gazza’s Daily Football Factoids
	Did you know that most Spaniards are allergic to vegetables? While Columbus and Drake brought potatoes and exotic fruit back from their travels to new lands the Spanish explorers of the age sailed back to their King with ostrich steaks and turkey twizzlers.
Scientific Siegfried’s Rational Assessment Of Football Results
	Fussball’s komming home! Ze ladz done gut. Eine match left jetz – Spainland against Holland. For zis very komplicated prediktion I haff much thought over. Spain zey are ze favouties, no? Holland ze underhounds. Hmmm. Tricky. Ah – hier ist mein assessment. Ze vinners of the 2010 world mug vill be Holland! Ja – naturlich. Zey haff done just enough every time und Sontag zey vill do zis also. Die Grossen Frau sings soon! Und dass ist alles. Mein predictive verk ist now over und I must return to ze Max Plank Institute where I am writing a paper on dust particles. Of course I couldn’t say auf wiedersehen without one last item of kuchen… Vat else than Dutch Apfel Kuchen?

View from the sofa

What is the point? Really. After several weeks away from home two teams have narrowly failed to make the final just when they are dead beat and want to get on a plane they have to play one more match to ascertain which of them is the bigger loser. The players just want to go home and many of the supporters don’t really care.

OK, rant over. The good points.

• The unlikely appearance at a match in South Africa between Germany and Uruguay of an England flag behind one goal with “Chesterfield” written on it.
• The opportunity to debunk the ridiculous notion that an octopus can predict the result of a football match.
• The sound of Suarez (the guy who cheated Ghana out of a win with his last minute hand ball) getting booed every time he was on the ball. This was the only time you could hear fans above the vuvuzelas.
• Another chance for Joachim Lowe to show off his wardrobe. This time a fetching Mourinhoesque scarf.
• The sight of two teams who, at last, play with free abandon because they have nothing to lose. Against all odds it turned out to be one of the most entertaining games of the tournament.

World Cup – Wednesday 7th July

German Pain As Spain Reign

If you backed the prediction of Paul the psychic octopus at the bookies you would be squids in. He predicted a Spain win so the calamari is on hold, for now at least.

Results – Wednesday 7th July

	Semi Final		Spain	1 – 0	Germany

Post Match Review

This was never going to be the 90 minute classic some people were expecting. Spain held the majority of posession but looked unclinical in the final third. Germany were solid but their ocassional thrusts were met with the sort of reliable defending they hadn’t yet encountered in this competition. Spain had the best of the few chances that were created and it was no surprise that the goal when it came was scored by a central defender – Puyol heading home from a corner. They should have doubled their lead when through 2 on 1 but Pedro reverted to Spanish sterotype by trying to beat the solitary defender instead of squaring to the spare man. Ultimately it didn’t matter – the Germans rarely troubled Casillas in goal and can have no complaints. So now we know how the the finalists and whether Spain or Holland come out on top on Sunday we will have new World Cup winners – neither have lifted the trophy before.

View from the sofa

Spain beat Germany. Blah blah blah.

The really big news is that I am now about to announce the winner of the World Cup Golden Mullet competition! Back on June 20th I asked you to choose your top three worst ever hair disasters in World Cup history from a choice of 12 contenders. The moment of truth has arrived and I can announce the top three worst hair happenings as chosen by an expert judge (me).

Golden Mullet

Taribo West

In third place I have chosen former Nigerian defender Taribo West. Don’t get me wrong, we are talking about not only a very fine footballing talent but a true humanitarian responsible for great acts of charity and compassion towards his less well off fellow countrymen. Good deeds can only go so far however and there can be no defence for this hairstyle homage towards a little girl’s doll.

Second place Goes to the former Portugal and Everton enigma Abel Xavier. What can you say about the calimatous coiffure that you see before your eyes? What exactly (or even vaguely) was he trying to achieve? You see this is only part of the story. The lad has form – he’s had more bizarre hair arrangements than Avram Grant has had massages. I think it just comes down to the fact he wasn’t that great a player so had to make the news in different ways.

Abel Xavier

Ronaldo

In this judges view first place is firmly taken by none-other than beaver toothed pie fancying Ronaldo (the original Brazilian one – not the car crashing, dive meister from Portugal). What can you say about this, this – thing. I’m genuinely trying to say something incisive or witty but for once words truly fail me. There may be some logic. Perhaps he thought that a totally dumb-assed removal of hair from the forehead back would distract people from his unfortunate teeth. However, the net result is that you notice both of these features instead of just the one. The knob.

Congratulations go to our winner Jim Patraeus of New Bedford MA. Jim didn’t agree with my ratings – in fact he didn’t actually enter the competition at all – but he did ask me for advice about a washing line, which was the closest thing to a competition entry that I received.

Jim “wins” the fabulous prize of the ball that has been in my garage for a few years. As promised I have faked a number of footballing signatures on the ball plus – for Jim’s personal appreciation – some Stateside tags: Abe Lincoln, Bill Shatner, Elvis and MC Hammer.

Signed Ball

The ball would be in the post if I had your address but instead it’s back in my garage. Eat your heart out Jules Rimet.

World Cup – Tuesday 6th July

Ooh – some football just happened!

Look, you probably watched this match yourself. You don’t need to read about it here. There’s quite good coverage of this competition on the BBC website. You might as well take look there…

Results – Tuesday 6th July

	Semi Final		Holland	3 – 2	Uruguay

Post Match Review

Holland won this encounter by three goals to two. They scored one more goal than Uruguay and under the rules of football that means that they progress to the world cup final while Uruguay do not. Had this not been the score it is possible that the consequences for both sides would have been different but nobody can argue that the result speaks for itself. It was a game in which both sides scored. On a different day there could have been more goals – or less – but fate decided tonight result. Holland were most likely playing in Orange with Uruguay probably in Blue. The first half saw both sides trying to score against the opposition and there were doubtlessly some occassions when defending was called for in order to counter the attacking teams intentions. Things changed around at half time with each team kicking the other way. Neither manager chose to change tactics after the break with both Holland and Uruguay singlularly focussed on scoring and yet not conceding. Towards the end of the game the tension ramped up as Holland held onto their goal lead while Uruguay attempted to equalise in the attempt to force 30 minutes of extra time and then perhaps penalties, but the Dutch held out for the win. After the match the Dutch players were very happy while the mood in the Uruguay camp was rather low. I would imagine that if asked about the teams appearance in Sundays world cup final the Dutch players would say they are looking forward to it and they believe they can win. Tomorrow we find out who the opposition will be when Germany take on Spain. Now that’s a match not to miss. No siree – we won’t be missing THAT match. Definitely going to tuning in for that one. Oh yes!

Fixtures – Tuesday 5th July

	Semi Final		Germany	vs	Spain

Gazza’s Daily Football Factoids
	Germany really are the footballing machine they are made out to be. In the last 14 world cup tournaments their record is: Champions 3 times, Runners up 4 times, semi-finals 3 times and Quarter Finals 3 times. Only in 1978 did they suffer the relative ignomony of getting knocked out in the quarter finals – like England this year.
Scientific Siegfried’s Rational Assessment Of Football Results
	Welkommen again fussball volk. Mein towel ist already on ze footballing seat. Are you ready for “das big daddy spielen” tomorrow? It ist irrelevent how you feel. Fools. There are facts only in this matter und ze facts are that Germany are “hot to trotting” as you Englanders say. Ja, Spainland vill feel ze embarassment of failure before the might of my people. On ze night it vill be wiesswurst, nicht chorizo. It vill be Becks nicht San Miguel. It vill be Kraftwerk nicht Julio Igelsias. VW nicht Seat. Hanggen on, zey are die same no? For you Spainland there ist only the crumbs of Spaincake comfort… Crumbs because I have zis kuchen now eaten gobbelt. Adios!

View from the sofa

Erm – sorry missed it. Was it a good match?

World Cup – Monday 5th July

Orange or Blue?

Were you the loser everyone laughed at when you drew Uruguay in the office sweepstake? Are you now enjoying the glum silence from the no-longer-so-cocky Brazilian, Italian, Argentinian and French ticket holders? You probably realise that your smugness ends tomorrow. Or does it? That’s the beauty of football – you never quite know…

Fixtures – Tuesday 5th July

	Semi Final		Holland	vs	Uruguay

Gazza’s Daily Football Factoids
	Holland have a curious World Cup record. They have failed to qualify on 7 of the last 14 occasions while making it all the way to the finals twice and semis twice. This is a very Dutch characteristic due in part to their complex psychological make-up and duality of mindset but predominantly their innate insanity.
Scientific Siegfried’s Rational Assessment Of Football Results
	Guten Abend. Hier ist ze prediktions for match Holland vs Uruguay. I haff programmed mein computer mitt ze permutations for zis fixture. Major inputs include absence of players for each side (Alpha factor), form of key players (Beta factor), managerial tactics (Omega factor) and ze variable “law of the sod” (Celebrity X-factor). Now must I press the “any” key for with the program to start… …it ist processing… …ach leibe gott – it hast gekrashed! Bill Gates ist ein dumbkopf! Zer ist die “blue screen of death”. Hmmm, since Uruguay play in blue this perhaps meanz zey lose, no? Ja – das ist so. Netherlands to win – piece of cake! Hmmm, cake… Vat could be more naturlich – ein grosse portion of Orange Drizzle Cake for mit scoffen, nein?

View from the sofa

Holland against Uruguay. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t have quite the same ring about it as Spain vs Germany. Can’t we just put Holland in the final and get on with it? Holland are going to win after all.

Whoa – hold on! In all probability Holland will win but unless they are 3-0 up in 20 minutes there will be sufficient doubt about the result to hold our attention. Don’t forget how close Paraguay were to putting Spain out of the competition. Even if a shock result is never on the cards there is still the potential drama of a booking putting a player out of the final. Imagine the trauma of a player getting a card 5 minutes from time with their team 2 goals up, with the sudden realisation they are going to miss the final. It’s not life or death but somehow it seems as large.

There’s also the fact that both teams will be desperate to win and unless it’s all square going into the end phase of the match the losing team will be throwing themselves forward leaving great counter-attacking possibilities for their opponents. It could yet turn out to be the game of the tournament. Still feeling 100% confident in Holland?

Uruguay hosted and won the first world cup back in 1930. Apparently they were chosen as hosts because they had won the Olympic tournament and on that basis were deemed to be the best team in the world. Here’s an interesting story I picked up about that tournament from the Buenos Aires Herald…

Uruguay were due to meet Yugolsavia in their first match – the first to feature any of the South American teams. Apparently the Yugoslavs sent spies to the Uruguayan team’s training session but the players noticed this. They began falling over each other and deliberately kicking the ball badly, so much so that the spies reported that these South Americans did not know how to play soccer. On the day of the match, the Uruguayan flag was raised the wrong way round and a Brazilian march was played instead of the Uruguayan national anthem. The third mishap was that Uruguay ran rings around Yugoslavia and beat them 7-0.

It’s a sweet story from an innocent time. Could this also have been Fabio Capello’s plan? Did it backfire when England forgot to stop playing like idiots when they met Germany? Maybe the truth will out in 80 years time in the morning edition of the African Sporting Gazette.

World Cup – Saturday 3rd July

Germany Calling

I recently mentioned how well the South American sides were doing compared to Europe and suggested Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Paraguay could make up the last four. This from the genious who swapped David Villa into his fantasy world cup squad tonight but contrived not to put him in the team (he scored). Needless to say, my blog is not a betting service…

Results – Friday 2nd July

	Quarter Finals		Germany	4 – 0	Argentina
			Spain	1 – 0	Paraguay

Post Match Review

If ever a game flattered to deceive. Nobody gave Paraguay a chance in this encounter and who didn’t expect Spain to win comfortably. What we got was a curates egg of a game with long periods of inaction interspersed with short bursts of drama. Spain dominated the first half without testing the keeper while Paraguay had the ball in the net but were unfortunate to see the offside flag. The second half opened up a little and Paraguay were correctly awarded a penalty after some obvious pulling by Pique. Casillas saved the lame attempt and within a minute Spain were awarded a penalty at the other end. Alonso scored but was forced to take it again. His next attempt was saved and somehow it remained 0-0. Manager Del Bosque must have wondered if had walked under a black cat. With Paraguay starting to tire Spain started to create chances and they finally took the lead after a shot rebounded off the post to Villa who put it in himself off both posts. Paraguay stormed forward and there were good chances at both ends but ultimately it will be Spain playing Germany for a place in the World Cup Finals. They are going to have to up their game for that one.

World Cup Classifieds

For sale: Small shiny suit. Only worn 5 times. Mostly good condition, just a few white powder marks. Would suit fat child. Ask for Maradona c/o Hotel Ranchos, Cape Town

Lost: Mojo, last seen in Barcelona. Believe I brought it with me to South Africa. Could be somewhere on a Jo’berg training pitch. Phone Lionel.

Found: Tall well built footballer found alone on football pitch in the dark still trying to score a goal. Answers to the name of Emile.

View from the sofa

I checked my mailbox today and thought I had an entrant for my Golden Mullet World Cup competition. I was therefore somewhat taken aback to discover the following message awaiting my attention…

“ i was wondering if there is a retractable clothesline that measures longer than 20 feet.looking for one that would cover at least 25 feet.if so i would appreciate where or how i may purchase one.i am located in
southcoast area of ma.(new bedford) thanking you in advance for any assistance that maybe fourth comming

      jim patraeus”

I haven’t the heart to disappoint Jim about his erroneous choice of message recipient and as such I have suggested the following product…

Between you and me this baby is only available in the UK so the last laugh is on Jim – revenge for USA’s lucky equaliser against England. Ha ha ha!

A couple of years ago England played Germany in a friendly and the Germans were truly average at best and defensively poor. They were described as a team in transition and they seemed to have no spark. Coming into the world cup you might have upgraded their status to “useful but limited”. Now every time they take the field they seem to do what the great teams do – play seemingly simple effective football that wins matches without too much fuss.

England made it far too easy so that we might have been excused for thinking Germany were handed the match. Argentina looked tremendous going into today’s game and yet they were dispatched in a 4-0 beating. I’ve not seen the stats but I suspect both sides had similar amounts of possession and shots.

The key to Germany’s results has been getting the most out of their players, being tactically astute, disciplined in their play and liberated when going forward. Do you really think striker Klose is better than say Rooney or Messi? Well he has 4 goals this tournament now and the other two failed to score.

Don’t kid yourself, the Germans do have some very good players but the scale of their achievements so far is largely testament to Joachim Lowe’s management and the teams execution of his plans. Germanys results might look a bit exaggerated based on comparison against opposition players but think Lowe vs Capello or Lowe vs Maradona and suddenly it starts to make more sense.

Whatever you think about the players or the managers I think you might agree they are a team you want to watch. They face Spain next for a place in the final. What are you doing on Wednesday evening?

World Cup – Friday 2nd July

End Of The African Dream

Brazil out! That wasn’t supposed to happen yet. Holland seem to always do just enough – can they keep it up? The African dream is over as Ghana fall just short but if you are a neutral(ish) it’s a great game to watch.

Results – Friday 2nd July

	Quarter Finals		Holland	2 – 1	Brazil
			(pens) Uruguay	1 – 1	Ghana

Post Match Review

We were all looking forward to see two giants of the game Holland and Brazil go toe to toe and the game didn’t disappoint. It was very much a game of two halves though. Brazil look more likely early doors and when the Dutch defence parted like the red sea after 10 minutes Robinho made his finish look like childs play. Holland worked their socks off though and it was just reward when midfield maestro Sneider put in a telling cross and the lad Melo could only help it into his own net. He will have been gutted about that but he never got a shout from the keeper. In the second half Sneider nods the Dutch ahead and if that wasn’t enough Melo gets his marching orders for some afters with Robben. Then it’s backs to the wall time for the boys from Brazil. All credit to them they gave 110% but at the end of the day it wasn’t enough and it just goes to show that the game’s not played on paper. The evening match was a mouth watering clash between minnows Uruguay and underdogs Ghana. The South Americans lorded it early on and the Ghana were at sixes and sevens to start off with. Then just when we thought they weren’t at the races Muntari picks the ball up and just smashes in from a mile out. The keeper was caught off guard and all he can do is pick the ball out of the net. Then in the second half it’s the African lads turn to pile on the pressure but what happens? Forlan drives in a free kick to level things up and it’s all square again. The Uruguayans come out of their shell and it’s end to end for a while. The ref blows up and it’s extra time. There’s tired legs out there and at times it’s men against boys. The tension’s staring to show and then with literally the last kick of the game Suarez handles on the line and it’s an early bath! It’s a spot kick to decide the game but the lad Gyan stuffs it off the crossbar! He’s gutted – that was the semi-final! Now it’s penalties and high stakes with every kick. Forlan nets for Uruguay. Gyan is straight back to put in a great kick after missing a minute earlier – that takes courage! Mensah hits a stinker and the keeper gathers it up – advantage Uruguay. But then Pereira knocks his kick into row Z – all square! Ghana turn again and they miss the next kick too!! This is seat of your pants stuff! It leaves Uruguay with a kick for a place in the semis. The striker runs up and dinks it down the middle calm as you like! He’s over the moon and Ghana are all as sick as parrots. It could have been so different but it can be a cruel game. At the end of the day it’s been a great advert for the game and when the fat lady sings there can only be one team left standing.

Fixtures – Saturday 3rd July

	Quarter Finals		Germany	vs	Argentina
			Spain	vs	Paraguay

Gazza’s Daily Football Factoids
	Curiously nothing is known about the Paraguayan football team. Indeed the country itself lives only on the fringes of western consciousness and even on the internet there is scant mention of it. The general belief is that this is a country in South America, possibly ruled by a strange bird like god but then it gets a bit sketchy.
Scientific Siegfried’s Rational Assessment Of Football Results
	Achtung football enthusiast. Hier ist ze prediktions for July 3. Spain vill Paraguay gethumpen. This ist obvious. Also there is played the Deutsche against Argentina. Diese match vill be “tight like ein gnats arsen” be. Ze outkome of this match ist however simple. Die fatherland will triumph – this is the logikal result. The ladz know no fear und each stands 3 metre tall und fire breathen. For Argentina they are weak through grossen druggen gecheaten Maradonan dwarf. Meine celebration starts jetz mit drei stuck Struesalkuchen, und eine pack rennie.

View from the sofa

There have been two fantastic quarter final games today. It hasn’t always been a feast of beautiful football but there has been drama, triumph and tears all in good measure. Not all of the news is being made on the pitch however…

News from the England camp

• England’s defence arrived back at Heathrow airport today, trailing the rest of the team by 2 days.
• Emile Heskey has remained on the pitch by himself since the end of the England vs Germany match and has yet to score. He did have the ball in the net last night but was adjudged to be offside.
• Fabio has received a vote of confidence from the FA. Apparently he is “still the man for the job” which of course has nothing to do with the fact it would cost many millions to oust him. The FA is at least consistent in presenting an incompetent public face.

In other news…
Following hot on the heels of Wednesdays role call of fantastic team names from the Ghanaian league we learn that the Nigerian President is called Goodluck Jonathan! How cool is that?

He’s in the news because he has threatened to stop the Nigerian team entering any tournaments for 2 years due to their perceived failure, having been KO’d in the group stages last week. Let’s hope this trend doesn’t catch on or England might find themselves grounded until 2014.

Finally – Dunga has resigned as manager of Brazil after their quarter final defeat. Are you listening Fabio?

World Cup – Wednesday 30th June

FIFA – Football’s Axis of Evil

There may be no game tonight or tomorrow but I’m in London all day Thursday so Scientific Siegfried will be looking forward to Fridays quarter finals matches a little early. As it happens I’m off to Lancaster Gate for discussions and if it all goes well I may have some FAB news for you in my next update! I’ve already said too much…

Finally before you launch into tonight’s grammatical crime wave here’s a reminder about my Golden Mullet World Cup competition

Golden Mullet

There’s a fabulous prize for the winner so if you haven’t entered yet click on the golden mullet above for the hairy scary details.

Fixtures – Friday 2nd July

	Quarter Finals		Holland	vs	Brazil
			Uruguay	vs	Ghana

Gazza’s Daily Football Factoids
	Football was brought to Ghana as early as 1888 by visiting sailors but you probably have never heard of any of their top domestic teams. This is a shame because there have been some wonderful team names competing at the top level, such as: Hearts Of Oak, Eleven Wise, Great Olympics, Heart Of Lions, King Faisal Babes and my personal favourite Mysterious Dwarfs.
Scientific Siegfried’s Rational Assessment Of Football Results
	I haff been asked to bring to you this report one day early. This is most irregular and zer has not been time for me to conduct my pre-match analysis vith the appropriate rigour. My assessments provided with that context are as follows. Holland against Brazil is what you Englanders call “ein tuff nut to crack” because each team has comparable team metrics. Regardless it is my judgement that when die grossen Frau sings there is the polka dancing in the strassen of Rio. Also more satisfaction in a job efficiently achieved will be for the happening in Montevideo with more polka dancing with also some Wagner. This is consequential of Uruguay beating Ghana though more unity in football playing as the team. It is my considered opinion that today I am feeling down and hip mit der kinder. Exchange with me some skin Jimmy Hill. For this I reward myself a large amount of Gugelhupf cake.
Pre Match Comment
	Most eyes may be on the big match as Holland take on Brazil but spare a thought for Uruguay and Ghana. One of these teams will take an unlikely berth in the semi finals. Could we see an African team in a world cup final? Might little Uruguay – a country inhabited by just 3 million people – make their first finals appearance since they won the competition in 1930? We could even have an all South American semi-final line-up. You would have got long odds on that 3 weeks ago.

View from the sofa

Since I started my world cup blog barely a day has gone by when somebody has asked me whether there actually is a sofa or whether I really do share it with high profile footballing dignitaries while taking in the matches. Well just to put this sort of speculation to bed here is a picture of me tonight on THE sofa…

View Of The Sofa

Obviously there is no game tonight so I don’t have the normal crowd around. In fact I’m just taking in highlights of the Grand Prix now I have half a chance…

View From The Sofa

Let’s put something else straight. Just because I’m a single bloke watching every waking minute of world cup action it doesn’t mean I have knee deep in filth. Look – I have even tidied behind the sofa…

View Behind The Sofa

…I never did finish that book. So now when you are next reading view from the sofa you really will be able to picture that actual sofa and imagine the scene! I like to make you feel a part of my little journeys you see.

FIFA embarrassed yet again

Football’s world governing body FIFA – widely regarded to be the fourth member of the axis of evil – has once again found itself under fire. Their luddite insistence in rejecting the use of video technology during games has been shown in all of it’s absurdity several times during the tournament but “cock-up Sunday” marks a new zenith.

First a Frank Lampard shot comes off the bar and is seen by everybody in the ground except the officials to go a full yard over the line, but the goal is not given. Everyonw including the fourth official has seen it but the referee “is not allowed” to change his decision.

Later the same day Carlos Tevez puts Argentina ahead when he is clearly offside. The linesman doesn’t flag and the understandably furious Mexican players crowd around the linesman and ref pointing at the big screen as it replays the infringement. It’s obvious from the facial expressions of the officials that they realise they have got it wrong so what happens? They referee points to the spot – one nil.

The game generates untold millions around the world. There is a huge amount riding on these games for the fans (remember them?) and the vast majority of people who aren’t FIFA employees want the use of technology such as video replays and goal-line sensors to be considered. Earlier this year FIFA said it would not budge, insisting that the way the game is played should be the same at international level as at park level.

They are wrong for any number of reasons. The most obvious reason is that the sheer injustice of clearly incorrect decisions going unchecked – as in Sundays fixtures – makes a global mockery of the game. The notion that officiating standards are currently universal is also bunk. You don’t see park games adjudicated with the aid of headsets or 4th officials. Often the linesmen are unqualified volunteers and sometimes there aren’t even nets or corner flags.

Since cock-up Sunday Sepp Blatter has apologised to England and Mexico and said that in light of those matches FIFA will review their stance on technology. This is more evil manipulation on his part – using the situation to his political advantage. Firstly his suggestion that FIFA may backtrack purely on the basis of these two incidents is totally disingenuous – these sort of things go on in major leagues around the world every week but they don’t generate the same level of bad publicity as a game in a world cup setting. Secondly he has little intention of changing anything – it is just a political pawn he can use to his advantage in the forthcoming FIFA elections.

The world’s most popular and wealthy sport is run by unaccountable amateurs with political self-interest at the heart of their decision making. Individuals will always make mistakes – people are only human – but it takes an organisation to perpetuate and institutionalise failure.

World Cup – Tuesday 29th June

Misery has a name – Alan Green

We are down to the final eight now. The match schedule is thinning out and any respite is drowned out by the sound of punditry. At least we might have time to cheer ourselves up between Alan Green commentaries…

Results – Tuesday 29th June

	Second Round		(pens) Paraguay	0 – 0	Japan
			Spain	1 – 0	Portugal

Duncan’s Dive Watch – Spain vs Portugal

Who hasn’t been looking forward to this competition between fierce Iberian neighbours Portugal and Spain! It promised to be a feast of falling but did it live up to it’s billing? Here are the highlights…

16 minutes: After a slow start we have our first dive – and who else could it be but Ronaldo? He raids down the right, cuts in between two players and it’s a classic legs together full length dive. No marks awarded by the referee who waves play on. I think that lacked a little commitment.

34 minutes: Ronaldo again. Left flank run across the halfway line. He over-runs the ball and a defender gets there first. Ronaldo launches into the defender and executes a passable mid-air half twist culminating in a traditional arse landing, garnished with quizzical hands in the air. Still no marks from the referee, which seems a little harsh.

49 minutes: Man muppet Carlos Puyol – the sort of character parents tell their kids lives under a bridge – gets tickled from behind and slumps to the ground wearing the expression of a slain samurai. It’s disappointing fare with no technical merit and a lack of expressive arm movement so once again no points.

57 minutes: David Villa plays a one two with Iniesta on the edge of the Portugal box. He’s not going to make the return ball and pulls off the imaginary trip with some aplomb. The ref waves away his appeals but I’m giving him 3 out of 10 for fake boyish innocence. “What me – diving?!”

74 minutes: Controversy! Substitute Pedro Mendes thinks he has pulled off a majestic fouled-from-behind back flip with an exquisite double leg slide. It’s a high scoring move, but what’s this? The referee actually awards it as a genuine foul! What a shame, that would have been a lovely dive.

84 minutes: It’s Ronaldo again – you can’t keep a good man up. This time it’s an innocuous mid-air collision with Capdevila which Ronaldo free-styles into an awkward landing. It’s desperate stuff now with just 5 minutes left and once again there’s nothing given

88 minutes: The stroke of genius we have been waiting for Capdevila brilliantly pulls off a text book ghost slap in the box. He rolls around holding his head and Costa is shown a red card! Video replays confirm there was no contact – it’s a brilliant deception and that’s a full 10 to the Spaniard!
The whistle blows and it’s a Spanish victory despite Ronaldo’s bravest efforts. The king of collapso has his head in his hands and knows he will have to work hard on the training pitch to work on those polished cons he is famous for.

View from the sofa
You may think from my (seemingly) endless reportage of the World Cup that I catch all the games live on TV. Alas, my up-tight employers weren’t amused when I asked if I could spend a month at home on full pay watching every match live. I thought I was being reasonable as I had intended to go to South Africa and pass on my costs as expenses, but it seems you can’t get away with anything nowadays.

Anyway, the upshot of my workplace incarceration is that I have followed a fair few matches on Radio 5 (you see the BBC let their employees go to the world cup on full pay and expenses) while commuting. One of their principal commentators is Alan Green and if you have heard him you will probably know what I am about to say.

There can never have been such a negative, permanently dissatisfied football commentator in broadcasting history. He can suck the joy out of any occassion. The man must be a rain god because I can only imagine he walks under a continuous heavy black cloud of negative energy.

To repeat myself let’s just remember – he is paid to go to sunny South Africa and attend the worlds biggest sporting event. All he has to do is talk for a couple of hours, and yet even this can’t bring any light into Mr Green’s dark and burdensome life. He watches every game with disdain picking fault with everything he beholds. The games are all unremittingly dreadful and the players on show were born under a bad sign because they can do no right. The officials are always a disgrace and woe betide anything distracting him off the pitch because whatever it is will be a sham.

I can imagine his response to accusations of misery. “I’m not here to dress things up, I tell it like it is“. Let me put if to you Mr Green, there have been a few tense matches with little beauty on show but I have been listening to your commentaries for years and they are ALL THE BLOODY SAME. Driving home today you described Paraguay vs Japan as if it were some personal slight upon your unworldy standards. Well I got home and caught the end of the game and what I saw was an admittedly stuttering affair with plenty of honesty, grit and no shortage of half chances. It had an enjoyable tension that real football fans would recognise. When the stakes are high that’s what you get – if it makes you so unhappy pack in your job.

And on the offchance that you have children I would like to offer them my support and say that they must cast off the burdens of your impossible expectations and realise that nothing they could ever do would be good enough to warrant fatherly praise. It’s just your way.